being a parent

if you don't have children, and aren't sure if you want any, i think there's the possibility that you'll roll your eyes or groan in reading this post, so if you'd like, you can stop reading here. if you are a parent, or wish you were, i think you may understand.

everyone says this, but being a parent is the most rewarding job you can possibly have. it's not the easiest, and in fact, sometimes it feels like the hardest. but there have been times this weekend when i have looked at madeline--excited about helping richard with the paper recycling or trying to count to three or laughing as she pushed a children's trolley through the supermarket--and i just feel completely overwhelmed with how much i love her.

i hear some people fall in love with their children at birth, and i suppose i did too. but with each passing day, i love madeline more and more, and there are more days where my chest hurts when i think about how happy i am that she' s part of our lives.

for richard and me, having a baby wasn't particularly easy. for quite a long time, we thought we would live our lives childless. i had a hard time coming to terms with that. i know richard did too. and we had to consider that it was a serious possibility. it was only because of the wonders of modern technology and the skill of a wonderful surgeon that maddie is in the world at all.

i know a lot of people struggle with fertility, and i try to be very sensitive about the topic with my friends. i never ask someone when they plan to have a baby, fearing that--like i had when i was asked this question a few years ago--they may have miscarried just weeks before. i know that there was little anyone could say when we were struggling with this problem that could make me feel much better about the situation. but i wish more people talked openly about what they have gone through and are going through in attempt to have a family. as i have been strong enough to talk about our situation, which i was really only able to do once madeline was born, i have heard a lot more stories of other people's challenges. i have tried to be more honest with people about how hard this was for me, and do a good job listening when people have trusted me with their own stories.

people assume once you have a baby, it's a safe bet you can have a second. as a result, these days i get asked a lot about our plans for another child. in actual fact, this assumption can't be any farther from the truth. many people, including richard and me, are uncertain if we can have another baby, even if we want one. when i am asked about our plans, all i can say in response is that we struggled to have madeline, and we aren't sure we will be fortunate enough have another. if the person asking seems interested in knowing more, i share our experience.

sometimes, well actually, most times, i find this topic a little depressing. it's hard to be completely rational about things like not being able to have children. but when i clear my head, i think about maddie laughing when richard is giving her her bath, or blowing us kisses, and am really, really thankful that i have been trusted to be a parent at all.

Comments

[misha]

lovely post - thanks Shannon